nocnt

No contact, day by day: what the first months are often like

What the first days, weeks and months of no contact are often like, and what usually helps at each stage. Based on common experience and research.

Updated 3 min readSources at the end

There’s no fixed schedule for getting over someone, and people differ a lot.1 But some things come up so often that it helps to know them in advance. The stages below describe what people commonly report. They aren’t a clinical timeline, and your weeks may look different. Where research has something to say, it’s linked.

Days 1–3: the first few days are often the hardest

The pull to text is usually strongest now. These first days are hard: your phone is always in reach, and not much else is filling the gap yet. Feelings also tend to swing the most right after a breakup.2

What usually helps: anything that makes you stop for a second before messaging them. Mute their posts, move the chat out of sight, and write what you want to say somewhere it can’t be sent.

Days 4–14: days get easier, evenings are still hard

You start getting through more of the day without thinking about them. Evenings are harder: there’s less to do, and you’re carrying a whole day of things you wanted to tell them.

What usually helps: write down your reasons for stopping contact while your head is clear, and read them again when you’re tempted to reach out.

Days 15–30: it hurts less, and that’s when doubt creeps in

A thought shows up: it wasn’t that bad. Memory softens the worst parts first. This is often when reaching out starts to feel harmless. It doesn’t happen in a crisis, but on an ordinary evening, when one message doesn’t seem like it would change anything.

It’s worth knowing what contact tends to do. In a month-long study that asked young adults about their feelings at random moments after a breakup, contact with the ex went with love and sadness fading more slowly.2

What usually helps: reread what you wrote at the start. You saw your reasons more clearly then.

Days 31–90: they’re no longer your first thought

Something happens, and you notice you didn’t reach for your phone to tell them. The memories stay, but they don’t hit as hard. A bad day or two here doesn’t mean you’re going backward.

Research backs up how different this stretch can look for different people. In a study that followed 87 young women for 30 weeks after a breakup, more than 4 in 10 stayed fairly steady throughout, a quarter recovered quickly, and about a fifth recovered slowly.1

What usually helps: if their photos or your old chat still pull you back, put them out of sight for a while.

Day 91 onward: no contact starts to feel normal

After a few months, you think about contacting them less and less. In a large study of young people in Germany, the dip in self-esteem after a breakup was gone within a year, whether or not they had found someone new.3 And in a study that followed young adults from age 20 to 28, how upset someone was about a breakup at 20 didn’t predict how they were doing at 28. Those who had struggled more back then tended to show more relationship skills later.4

What usually helps: use the app when it helps. It’s fine to forget about it for a while.

The milestone days

nocnt marks days 3, 7, 14, 30, 60, 90, 180 and 365. They’re moments to notice, not deadlines. No study has found a number of days that works for everyone. More on that in the no contact rule.

If it isn’t getting easier

For some people it stays hard for months. In the 30-week study above, about 1 in 10 stayed distressed throughout, and going over and over the breakup was more common among those who recovered slowly or not at all.1 For some people, especially younger people, a breakup is the start of depression.5

If low mood, trouble sleeping or not coping lasts for weeks, talk to a doctor or a therapist. If you’re in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 in the US, or find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.

Sources

  1. Verhallen, A. M., Alonso-Martínez, S., Renken, R. J., Marsman, J.-B. C., & ter Horst, G. J. (2022). Depressive symptom trajectory following romantic relationship breakup and effects of rumination, neuroticism and cognitive control. Stress and Health, 38(4), 653–665. doi.org/10.1002/smi.3123. 87 Dutch women aged 18–34, rated every two weeks for 30 weeks. ↩ ↩2 ↩3

  2. Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213–232. doi.org/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00112.x. 58 young adults over 28 days; correlational. ↩ ↩2

  3. Luciano, E. C., & Orth, U. (2017). Transitions in romantic relationships and development of self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112(2), 307–328. doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000109. 9,069 young people in three German cohorts. ↩

  4. Shulman, S., & Yonatan-Leus, R. (2024). The longitudinal correlates of breakup distress in early young adulthood: Future distress and future benefits. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 41(10), 3008–3030. doi.org/10.1177/02654075241260358. 124 young adults followed from 20 to 28. ↩

  5. Monroe, S. M., Rohde, P., Seeley, J. R., & Lewinsohn, P. M. (1999). Life events and depression in adolescence: Relationship loss as a prospective risk factor for first onset of major depressive disorder. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 108(4), 606–614. doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.108.4.606. ↩

Try it now