How it works
Write the message you want to send them, as long or as short as it needs to be. Then press Burn it. The words burn on your screen and they’re gone. Nothing is sent, and nothing is saved, not even on this device.
If it helps to say it out loud, say it. If you need to write it three times, write it three times. The only rule is that it doesn’t go to them.
Why write it down?
Nobody has studied unsent letters to an ex as such. This exercise borrows from expressive writing, which has been studied for decades. On average, writing about your feelings helps, but only a little.1 After a breakup, one small experiment found that writing about the positive side of the breakup raised people’s positive feelings right afterwards.2
Two honest caveats. Writing like this isn’t a treatment for depression.3 And if you notice it has you going over the same questions again and again, stop and do something else. For people who kept searching for meaning in a separation, deep emotional writing went with worse recovery months later.4 A short note that you burn is different from hours of replaying it.
More on the moment itself: what to do when you want to text your ex.
Sources
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Frattaroli, J. (2006). Experimental disclosure and its moderators: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 132(6), 823–865. doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.132.6.823. 146 randomized studies; small average effect. ↩
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Lewandowski, G. W. (2009). Promoting positive emotions following relationship dissolution through writing. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(1), 21–31. doi.org/10.1080/17439760802068480. 87 people after a recent breakup; no change in negative feelings. ↩
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Reinhold, M., Bürkner, P.-C., & Holling, H. (2018). Effects of expressive writing on depressive symptoms: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12224. doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12224. 39 randomized trials; no lasting effect on depressive symptoms. ↩
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Sbarra, D. A., Boals, A., Mason, A. E., Larson, G. M., & Mehl, M. R. (2013). Expressive writing can impede emotional recovery following marital separation. Clinical Psychological Science, 1(2), 120–134. doi.org/10.1177/2167702612469801. Randomized trial, 90 recently separated adults. ↩
