nocnt

Broke no contact? What to do now

You texted them, called, or saw them. What to do in the next hour, what it does and doesn’t mean, and how to start again without shame.

Updated 2 min readSources at the end

You sent the message. Or you picked up when they called, or you ended up at their place. Now there’s the sinking feeling, and maybe a voice saying you’ve ruined everything. You haven’t. Breaking no contact happens a lot, and what you do next matters more than what already happened.

In the next hour

What it does and doesn’t mean

It’s common. In one study of young adults, nearly half had broken up and gotten back together at least once.1

It also isn’t nothing. In some studies, contact with an ex went with love and sadness fading more slowly, and more in-person contact predicted more distress months later.2 3 That’s the reason to go back to no contact, not a reason to give up on it.

If part of you is thinking “maybe we should try again”, it’s worth knowing that relationships that keep breaking up and making up tend to carry more uncertainty and more communication problems, and the cycling goes with more anxiety and depression.4 5

Starting again

Start counting again from today. In nocnt, going back to Day 1 keeps your earlier days in History. They weren’t wasted. And looking at their profile doesn’t reset your count at all.

Then look at what happened right before the slip: the time of day, a drink, a song, a date, a message from them. That’s where the next urge will come from, so that’s where to add friction. Mute or archive the chat, unpin them, and make checking their profile take more steps.

Two things tend to help people move on. In one study, accepting that the relationship was over was part of why some people’s sadness started to lift sooner.6 And in a study of people going through a divorce, those who talked about the separation with more self-compassion had fewer intrusive thoughts about it, even nine months later.7 Beating yourself up about the slip won’t help you hold the next time.

If they reached out first

You don’t owe an immediate reply. If you share children, work or a home, keep it to what has to be said, in writing when you can. There’s more on that in the no contact rule.

If they’re pressuring you, or you feel unsafe, your safety comes first. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.8

When to get more help

If low mood, trouble sleeping or not coping lasts for weeks, talk to a doctor or a therapist. If you’re in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 in the US, or find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.

Sources

  1. Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W. D., Giordano, P. C., & Longmore, M. A. (2013). Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 28(2), 166–188. doi.org/10.1177/0743558412464524. 792 young adults. ↩

  2. Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213–232. doi.org/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00112.x. 58 young adults over 28 days; correlational. ↩

  3. O’Hara, K. L., Grinberg, A. M., Tackman, A. M., Mehl, M. R., & Sbarra, D. A. (2020). Contact with an ex-partner is associated with psychological distress after marital separation. Clinical Psychological Science, 8(3), 450–463. doi.org/10.1177/2167702620916454. 122 recently separated adults; the effect held only for people who didn’t share children. ↩

  4. Dailey, R. M., Pfiester, A., Jin, B., Beck, G., & Clark, G. (2009). On-again/off-again dating relationships: How are they different from other dating relationships? Personal Relationships, 16(1), 23–47. doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2009.01208.x. ↩

  5. Monk, J. K., Ogolsky, B. G., & Oswald, R. F. (2018). Coming out and getting back in: Relationship cycling and distress in same- and different-sex relationships. Family Relations, 67(4), 523–538. doi.org/10.1111/fare.12336. 545 people; correlational. ↩

  6. Sbarra, D. A. (2006). Predicting the onset of emotional recovery following nonmarital relationship dissolution: Survival analyses of sadness and anger. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(3), 298–312. doi.org/10.1177/0146167205280913. 58 young adults. ↩

  7. Sbarra, D. A., Smith, H. L., & Mehl, M. R. (2012). When leaving your ex, love yourself: Observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation. Psychological Science, 23(3), 261–269. doi.org/10.1177/0956797611429466. 109 divorcing adults. ↩

  8. National Domestic Violence Hotline, thehotline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7. In immediate danger, call 911. ↩

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